iPhone 5…iResist

Screen shot 2013-03-03 at 10.49.35 AM

iPhone.  Well if you do…phone, than I don’t have to.

iPhone.  Is the five the first digital rock star?  Is it the first digital, pocket-rock-it star?  The names sounds very similar to other rock stars like:  Maroon Five, Dave Clark 5, guitarist John 5, Beethoven’s 5th.  Put four Priest’s together and you usually find a fifth.  Most famous rock bands have 5 players and than one dies, so that would downgrade you to the iPhone 4.

iPhone.  Does the name seem to say that you phone but I need to remind you that you phone.  I know I phone.  I know you phone.  In fact most people on the planet phone so why does a phone have to tell the owner that they phone. iKnow-i-phone-already.  Its a daily part of life as is pulling nose hairs out of your best friends nose, or clipping the toenails of the wolverine that moved underneath your deck.

Thats like naming a newborn: iBreathe, iEat, iPoop, and i-throw-tantrums. The obvious is stated.  It comes attached with life.  Maybe its not obvious that this phone is a phone.  Where’s the rotary dial of the 70’s?  Or the coiled-up cord attached to it that was constantly knotting itself up.

You can’t slam the receiver down on a rude solicitor with an eyePhone.  You have to say something rude, or rude and witty instead. That leaves you the bad guy, or pushing the End button with force.  Like it takes any.  I’m going to mash that End button with a barbell.  Oh, no, that would end my iLife!

On the old cradle phones, that where affixed to the wall jack, you could slam that thing into the base and pop an eardrum on the other side.  There was a sense of finality to a harsh disconnect.  It was loud, violent, physical.  You had to walk over to the phone base and drop the phone into its cradle and walk away like you just decked the fifth grade neighborhood bully while three school girls watched in awe.

You don’t put it back into your pants pocket. You can’t slam the iPhone into your pants pocket.  You walk away saying I won the shoot-out at the kitchen corral.  And if the phone rang back immediately afterwards, like it came back to life with its nerves still firing  (the nerve of that solicitor), you picked it up and without saying a word and slammed it back down. “Go ahead make my iCalendar day.”  (Clint Eastwood, Post-modern quote)

Ironically there is now available the option of adding the old handheld, corded receiver to your iPhone!

Screen shot 2013-03-03 at 10.26.07 AM

iPhone.  Steve Jobs, rest his iSoul, or r.i.p , had a $137,000,000,  260 foot yacht built on the sales of the phone to teens and iAddicts.  iCaptain, full-steam ahead.

Screen shot 2013-03-03 at 10.17.45 AM

iPhone.  iWant a phone that’s not like watching TV on a business card.  It should be fifty-five inches diagonally, and a keyboard the size of a legal pad, and permanently affixed to the wall.  If a phone solicitor calls, He/She can be live, on screen, and automatically jettisoned into Halo 4 on my XBox where i can blast them with my iTank.

My pockets are made for change, keys, and lint.



About MontanaBlueSky

I'm a commercial artist, artist, musician, bicyclist, father, husband, and more importantly, a Christ follower. Currently living in Montana after transplanting from Minnesota.
This entry was posted in Laugh at yourself, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to iPhone 5…iResist

  1. Anne Bradley says:


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